Thursday, May 21, 2015

Fear of the Unknown

       I really wanted to post more than once a month, but since the news of Aaron's deployment, our lives have been crazy. He's been gone for over a week now and I miss him terribly. The kids miss him, too. I caught Dominick getting on Skype today to try and call Daddy. Every time the phone rings or my computer makes a noise, he yells with excitement "Daddy! Yay! Daddy!"
       To make the stress and sadness of the situation worse, both kids have not been acting normal for the past month. I'm sure it's because of Aaron being gone. That's a lot of change for littles. Brenda will lose it over the smallest things. I don't even know how to respond to it sometimes. Dominick is just difficult. He started hitting, throwing toys and screaming at me. Time outs are a common event for him. He doesn't want to go to anyone else if I am in the room. He clings to me at church or when we go anywhere, that is unless I want him close to me, then he bolts at the first possible opportunity. Let me tell you, he's FAST! Much faster than a 36 week pregnant woman. I wish there was something I could do for them to make this easier.
         This all makes a time that should be a joyous occasion, the birth of our third child, terrifying. I'm so scared of how Dominick is going to react when he can't be the center of my attention anymore. He's the one I'm worried about and to top it off, I have to do it alone. It's not fair to Lorelai. She deserves the bonding time that I may not be able to give her. She deserves to be able to eat without her brother screaming in her ear for my attention. She deserves the cuddles and kisses from her Daddy. It's not fair.
         I am so thankful that I will have one of my best friends here and my sister here for her birth (if she comes on time), but a few days after she is expected to be born, I will be alone with my three blessings and I'm terrified. I know that in a few months, I will be used to my new normal and it will all be ok. It's the unknown of how I'm going to handle everything that I'm terrified of. I pray more than anything that Lorelai will be an easy baby and that she is the only one in there, because, God, that would not be funny!